Today we are blessed with a guest post from Dr. Skye Hart, Organist Extraordinaire. A punctilious liturgist, here he offers the alternative to letting just any distraught relative or overworked priest scratch out a slapdash eulogy. He suggests: Why not write your own?

Thank you all for being here. I’m truly touched. Some of you went through a lot of effort to be here. You got up early at 4pm, ran a comb through your hair, did extensive Google searches on “nice things to say at funerals” and “how to appear sad” and “liquor stores near Our Lady of Rigid Adherance.” It means a lot to me.

Wow! You all look great. I didn’t even recognize some of the you! I mean, from what I can see inside this box. I didn’t think it was necessary to nail it shut with silver spikes. The funeral director said something about “making sure it doesn’t come back again.” That’s the last time I use that place! Thankfully, I already wrote a scathing online review before my untimely demise.

But seriously, you look good. Black is a slimming color. I should know because I’m wrapped in 15 yards of black dupioni. It was impossible to find a place that makes a giant, silken cocoon. I’m grateful to the Ladies’ Altar Guild for fulfilling my wish. If only the fabric didn’t have “HAPPY HALLOWEEN” emblazoned all over it. You just can’t leave anything to chance.

The outpouring of tears and grief is really moving me. You can’t see it, but I’m nodding my head in gratitude. The clouds of incense certainly helped. I chose the “Tear Jerker” blend, manufactured by a cloistered convent of morose nuns in Bulgaria. It’s a mix of cypress, frankincense and a hint of ammonia.

Well, I need to run to my next engagement. Let’s just say it involves ostrich fans and the “Grand March” from Aida. As you leave, be sure to take a Christmas card. I’m not going to let death get in the way of my annual card mailing. I thought this one was nice: “FROM MY HOME TO YOURS.”

Thanks and Happy Holidays,

Dr. Skye Hart

Don’t leave anything to chance! Please write you own eulogy in the Comment section below.  Should the worst happen, I’ll make sure it gets to the proper liturgist.